A change of heart...(kinda long...)

So, if you have read my blog all the way back to the beginning or have followed it from the beginning (or can read my Facebook), you may know that I have been pretty pissed off about my body's rebellion against...well, itself. Yes, I have been sick since pretty much Thanksgiving and it has DEFINITELY interfered with my life. I almost couldn't make it to The Girl's birthday, we missed my niece's birthday this weekend, I have missed A LOT of work (to the extent that I no personal time and no vacation time left until August 18th), not to mention just the many times that DH and The Girl did something without me because I was too sick/in too much pain to join them and had to opt to stay at home in bed. Yes, folks...I have been a miserable person the last few months.

Well, because of this I started to really blame God. I went through a lot of this last summer and lost my job because of it. DH was laid off from his full-time teaching job two years ago and since then has been doing long-term maternity leave positions, sub teaching, etc, but nothing steady and nothing that offers a benefits package to his family. Not his fault - the economy is horrible for teachers and it's not getting any better, sadly. It's extremely competitive - he was at a job fair the other day and their was a teacher there from ARIZONA. It's bad, people. Really bad.

Anyway, the job that I lost last summer didn't offer benefits and due to the fact that we were both unemployed at the time, I had to take whatever job was available. This job doesn't offer benefits, either, sadly. SOOOO...all these hospitalizations/dr visits are private pay. Last summer and this year, so far (including what I've paid off), I owe almost $60,000 out of pocket. That's a lot of money that I don't have.

As I was saying though, I started blaming God. I was raised a Baptist preacher's kid and converted to Catholicism a few years ago (not out of spite, but it was right for me). I still have a lot of respect for the Baptist faith, though and we attend church with my parents when we visit. Anyway, I was finding it hard to believe people when they would tell me when ANOTHER bad thing would happen to me/us "God has a plan" or "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". Really? How much can one person handle?! Am I JOB?!?! (Bible readers will understand that...others, please use Google it.) I just honestly was believing that God had completely turned His back on me, as I couldn't think of any other explanation.

The other day, as DH was driving me home from work in my state of flu-induced delirium, he was listening to "Relevant Radio", a Catholic station. Long story short, they were talking to a listener whose wife had gone through cancer. He was saying how the doctors had just delivered the news and it didn't look good. He was not a believer, but he decided to pray on his wife's behalf. The next test, she had NO cancer at all. No trace of it.

Of course, this is a miracle story and doesn't happen to everyone who prays. As they stated on the show, God does answer prayers, but that doesn't mean He cures every disease or keeps everyone living for as long as we wish. I thought about this story all week. I was SOOO sick with the flu. We were supposed to go to my family's house for my niece's birthday party on Saturday and had to cancel Saturday morning because I still had a fever.

DH and his Dad and The Girl left Saturday evening to go out for dinner and I stayed home, sick, on the couch - the Tylenol not doing it's job and wondering how many hours I had at home before I had to go back to the hospital for dehydration, a need for antibiotics, and what felt like pneumonia. I laid there, crying my eyes out, feeling sorry for myself, wishing my Mommy didn't live 5 hours from me. And, then it hit me. All these months, I BLAMED God instead of asking for His help. Why wasn't I asking? (I was, but not wholeheartedly or in complete faith.) So, I prayed. I kid you not, at the end of each request (I tell stories when I pray as if God doesn't know what is going on and I don't pray the "Catholic" way...I pray very "Protestant), I got chills. Like, my kneecaps had chills. And, not cold chills, but chills that overcame my body in a refreshing way and they lasted a good 10 seconds each episode. The fam got home and I was up with them for about an hour and decided to head to bed. I had a good night's sleep last night (for a change) and when I woke up this morning...


I. FEEL. GOOD. As in, I feel really good. I'm tired (but that's probably from the lack of moving and lack of eating lately) but I feel like there is/was nothing wrong with me. Some naysayers may say it's because the bug had finally run it's course or because of the good night's sleep, but I don't think so. From how I felt last night to how I feel today is a huge change. It almost seems impossible to go from feeling that bad to feeling this good without some sort of miracle.

So, to sum up what I'm trying to say...my faith has been restored. The Lord is good and powerful and it took me, bawling my eyes out, crying out to Him to help me carry that cross that I was struggling to carry. My faith wavering over the months was making everything worse for me - not better. I realize now that I can't do it without Him, no matter what it is.