I am sick.  Again.  I am so tired of this.

Nausea (constant); no vomiting yet, but I have come very close; diarrhea; stomach pain; sounds from my tummy that sound like water boiling; swelling in certain areas; joint pain; patches on my body; fever, etc, etc, etc....

This stupid Cimzia is NOT working.  If it is, this is ridiculous.  I am so tired.  I just want to sleep all day long.

Plus, I put my two weeks in on Friday at my job.  I am going back to a position I held before where I can make up the weekdays off on the weekends (for my dr appts), benefits, closer to home, and better pay structure.  But, it's retail and it's a lot of hours on my feet.  I just hope my body is up for this.  The way I feel right now makes me nervous because I have zero energy.

Have I mentioned before how much I hate Crohn's Disease?  Because I do.  A whole hell of a lot.

Ugh...I am so nauseated today...

My veggie soup next to me is making me feel so gross.  I ate about 1/4 of it and I can't choke down another bite.

ETA:  I think it was a stomach bug thing.  DH had it, too!  UGH...

What I Deal With...

A few posts back, I had stated that someday I would write about what it's like to live in my body with Crohn's Disease (and the other disorders I deal with).  I want to warn anyone reading now that if you have a weak stomach or don't want to read about bathroom issues, stop reading now.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.  I thought about censoring this, but my disease doesn't censor itself, so why should I censor what I deal with?  (Lucky you, huh?!)  :)

Anyway...

I was diagnosed with Crohn's in the fall of 2001 while in college at SIUC.  My sister had recently been diagnosed with ulcerative colitis.  She had gone through years (YEARS) of pain and suffering and had to drop out of school because she became so ill.

My whole life I had dealt with constipation issues.  I can remember as a kid having to receive suppositories from my parents, my mom making me eat a prune every day, and being miserable when it came time to go to the bathroom.  I can remember times of sitting in the bathroom, crying because it hurt so bad, gripping my mom's hands, bawling my eyes out.  I suppose that was when my Crohn's really started to manifest.  IBDs don't always mean diarrhea...unfortunately, it can also mean constipation.

Leading up to the fall of 2001, I started having stomach pains and my stool changed.  It was becoming more frequent, looser, and my sense of urgency changed drastically.  The day I saw blood in my stool, I became scared and called my sister and my mom.  They both encouraged me to talk to the doctor about it.  Naturally, he referred me to a gastroenterologist.  The GI doctor performed a rectal exam and asked 4,000,000 questions before he decided I needed to undergo a colonoscopy.  I was terrified.  What does this mean?!  The prescription for the Go-Lytely (what comedian named that drug?) scared me.  Here was this huge gallon jug of nastiness that I was expected to drink in order to prep my intestines for this test.  I will never forget that texture and that taste.  (I equate it to drinking snot that tasted like salty cherries.)  THE MOST DISGUSTING THING EVER.  It was so hard to choke down.  But, it worked.  Fast.  I can remember having to run to the bathroom every 10 minutes while I was drinking that stuff.  The next morning, my mom took me to the hospital where my colonoscopy and biopsies confirmed I had Crohn's Disease in my terminal ileum.

I was placed on a drug called Pentasa, which is a mesalamine.  Pentasa (and other related drugs) can help heal the wounds left behind by Crohn's, but it is not a cure.  (There is no cure.)  I was on this drug until I graduated college and had no health insurance.  Pentasa (and Crohn's, in general) is expensive.  Stupidly, I thought that because I had no more symptoms, I didn't need any medication.  Well, duh...it's because I was on medication.  For the next 8 years, I had no symptoms.  Of course, I had the constipation issues again and the occasional stomach pain, but I truly thought I had been misdiagnosed.

Fast forward to summer 2009 and my tummy is KILLING ME.  I would be sitting at my desk in work, doubled over in pain, crying because it hurt so bad.  I was losing weight because of the constant diarrhea and vomiting and not able to eat (or even drink) anything; including water.  The day I left work to go to the ER was the day that changed my life as I knew it.  (I lost my job due to being sick "too much", I proceeded to rack up HUGE hospital bills, etc)  While in the hospital, I had an endoscopy (since my pain was higher) and was told my Crohn's had spread to my stomach and into my esophagus, plus I definitely had ulcers.  I also underwent a Hida-scan on my gallbladder, but the surgeon told me I could wait awhile on having that surgery.  (He still doesn't think I need it removed.)  I didn't have a colonoscopy because the treatment for Crohn's in my stomach is the same as it is for Crohn's elsewhere.  I was put on Prednisone (a steroid) and Prilosec (for the ulcer).  Two weeks later, I was back in the hospital with a blood clot, but that's another story.

Over the next few months, I visited my GI doctor regularly and really thought I had things under control.  I had found a full-time job pretty quickly after leaving the hospital and started a few weeks later.  By February 2010, though, I was back where I had started.  Dehydrated, malnourished, severe pain, etc.  I had sprained my ankle a few weeks prior to this in January and was unable to let that heal properly because I couldn't use crutches the right way.  I had no strength to hold myself up on them so I wrapped the hell out of it and started hobbling around on it.  (Yeah, that's smart.)  Back into the hospital I went!  This time, it was mostly just pain management and getting me back on steroids, etc.  (Oh, and I had another blood clot two weeks after that release!  Notice a pattern?)  Once again, seeing the doctor on a regular basis, trying new drugs, trying old drugs (Pentasa again - this time, the side effects were worse than the symptoms) - so I stayed on Prednisone for awhile.  UGH...have you ever been on Prednisone?  It makes you want to eat ALL THE TIME and eat everything.  You crave everything.  You gain weight, of course.  It makes you hot, shaky, an insomniac, and after being on it for awhile, you really start to develop that "'roid rage".  I also started breaking out like a prepubscent teen and developed "moon face".  While the drug definitely makes the Crohn's feel better, the rest of my body was being ravaged by it.  Crohn's is an autoimmune disorder, which means my immune system attacks my digestive system like it's a foreign object in my body.  Steroids calm the inflammation and suppress the immune system, but they shouldn't be used long-term since they can negatively affect the adrenal system.

I thought I had kicked all of this again and thought (foolishly), I could manage this through diet and Prilosec.  I am such an idiot!!!  NO I CAN'T!!!!

Starting in the fall of 2010, I began to develop the classic signs of a flare once again.  Diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, severe stomach pain, loss of appetite, tiredness, achy body, fevers, dry scaly patches all over my body, etc...the weight loss was very noticeable this time.  People started telling me I looked "great", even though I was slowly dying.  I guess in our society, as long as you are thin, you are ok.  What was happening on the inside, to some people seemed to be diminished because I was getting thinner.  "Part of you has to be happy that you are losing weight without trying!"  "I wish I could have Crohn's so I could lose weight!"  "You look amazing!"  Thanks, people.  Thank you for telling me that even though I am so sick I can barely function, but I am losing weight that you think I am doing well.  Thin DOES NOT equal healthy (in some people).

If you have read my blog previously, you know what happened...I went back to the hospital.  I had very low blood pressure, a high heart-rate, etc...I was very, very sick.  My husband made it known to the nurses and doctors that he wanted ALL of my specialists consulted.  I had been seeing a cardiologist for a few weeks prior to this hospital stay because of my blood pressure and heart rate.  He had diagnosed me with cardiomyopathy (weak heart) and put me on heart medication.  Turns out, the Crohn's had taken such a toll on my heart, that it was causing it to become inflamed and weak.  I was starting to get fluid around my heart (congestive heart failure) and it was slowly shutting itself down.  Because I was unable to really eat anything (and everything I did eat was quickly expelled from my body), I was severely malnourished.  The doctor likened my condition to that of an anorexic/bulimic.  This time, my GI doctor wasn't messing around.  He was pretty pissed at me for not taking care of myself properly and letting it get so out of control.  They did another endoscopy and a colonoscopy and confirmed that my Crohn's was now mouth to anus and a severe case, at that.  They started me on Prednisone (AGAIN) and Imuran (an immunosuppresant).  The heart condition leveled itself out - it was because of the Crohn's and not a heart condition - great news!!!

That brings me to today.  The Imuran causes severe headaches and back pain, so I have stopped it without my doctor's permission.  But, I am starting Cimzia soon, so I figure it's ok.  The Crohn's is back in full force, but I know it's going to be short lived.  I just can't wait to start these injections and get this shit under control!!!

So...the point of this post was to tell you about what I go through.  Crohn's sucks, obviously.  It gets to the point sometimes that you need serious medical help.  On a day to day basis, though, during a flare (that's what it's caused when your disease starts acting up), it is hard to deal with.  If you have made it this far into the post, thank you.  Now, I'm going to get detailed and the gross details are going to come out.  I understand if you never want to talk to me again or read this blog again.  :)

Crohn's is an inflammatory BOWEL disease.  I have sores throughout my digestive system.  You know how a canker sore feels?  Yes?  Ok, I get those in my mouth, but they are Crohn's.  They last anywhere from a week to a few weeks at a time and they spread like wildfire.  Nothing takes care of them (salt water gargle, etc), but I have a topical ointment I can put on them to numb the areas.  I get those in my throat, as well.  I have severe heartburn and acid reflux.  The acid causes me to have this dry, nagging cough.  I wake up coughing most mornings and sometimes I vomit because of all the acid.  You know how it feels when you eat something that really makes your stomach hurt and you have to go to the bathroom right away?  That's how I feel all the time.  Even when my stomach isn't killing me, there is a dull ache there.  Oh, and it makes lots of noise.  I liken the sound and the feel of it to a pot of boiling water in my tummy. Then, comes the lower abdomen cramping.  It's like someone is stabbing in the guts over and over again.  By this point, I usually have to go to the bathroom.  Hopefully, I'm close to one!  I've had to stop in a dead standstill in stores, my bathroom, my bedroom, at work, etc because if I move, I will poop my pants.  The sense of urgency is ridiculous.  Once I have to go, I have to go right away.  There is no holding it.  I get very cold when I have to use the bathroom, so that coupled with a blood thinner and anemia...well, I'm generally freezing all the time.  If I make it to the bathroom (yes, I have pooped my pants many times), it's an all out war.  Modesty in a public restroom left me a long time ago.  I am that girl that goes in there and makes all sorts of noise, because that's my disease.  My stool is watery, bloody, and painful.  On top of all of this, I have hemmorhoids and I'm usually fighting "diaper rash" because I wipe so often.  Not to mention, the inflammation and the straining (because even though I have this type of stool, sometimes I still have to strain because of my stricture in my small intestine) have caused me to have vaginal inflammation, too.  So, I consistently feel like my ass is going to fall off my body.  These are the digestive effects Crohn's has on me.  It makes me sick to eat most of the time, even to drink water is a challenge.  Smells make me nauseated, so eating lunch in our lunchroom at work has become impossible.  Red meat and pork aggravate me more, as do yeasty breads, excessive amounts of sugar, caffeine, and "roughage" (romaine lettuce, broccoli, etc).  Because of my clotting disorder and my medicine for that, the diet restrictions between these two disorders leaves me mashed potatoes, cereal, foods that are low residue and don't offer a whole lot of nutritional value.  Thank goodness dairy doesn't bother me! Outside my body, Crohn's has also affected me.  I have a large "rash" on my upper back.  It's dry, scaly, red, and SOOOO itchy, and looks like ringworm.  This is Crohn's.  It's spread to my shoulders and neck, now.  I also had it on my scalp at one time (causing me to start to go to bald).  I have itchy sores (that look like bug bites) on my shins - this is Crohn's.  I have arthritis in my hips, lower back, and knees - this is Crohn's.  It can manifest anywhere on/in the body, including your EYES.  Luckily, it hasn't affected me there, yet.  My energy level is zapped.  Many days, I feel like a zombie because I need rest.  Part-time has been helpful in that...I don't get run down as easily as I used to.  I am cold constantly and my heating pad has become my #1 vice.  Fevers on a weekly basis are pretty common for me.  It usually doesn't get too high - around 101, but it's still a fever.

Crohn's is an ugly, nasty disease.  It manifests differently in each patient and each patient is different in what affects them, what works for them, and what makes them feel better.  They used to perform surgery on Crohn's patients, removing the diseased portion of the intestines.  I am not a candidate for that as they would have to remove EVERYTHING, which is impossible.  I am slowly learning what I have to do when I am flaring and how I have to treat it.  This isn't just a stomachache as some people like to tell me.  This isn't going to go away.  Crohn's is permanent and progressive.  I am a severe case.  I can never go back to moderate or mild and it will not leave my body alone until I die.  It's somewhat genetic, they think.  I hope my daughter does not develop it.  There are many things that I don't do anymore.  I have to use my Crohn's as a reason to slow down.  It has prevented me from doing a lot with my family or friends.  I can't do as much around the house anymore without getting very tired.  It has even affected my sex life with my husband.  Believe me, you don't want to have sex when you are sore and have been using the bathroom all day long.  It's hard to feel sexy when your ass feels like it's going to fall off your body.  Crohn's has caused me to develop anemia, so once a week, I go to my hematologist's office and have an iron infusion.

I hope this post explains better what I (and many other patients) deal with on a daily basis.  I liken Crohn's to the worst stomach flu you've ever been through and having it every day for the rest of your life, plus hemmorhoids, psoriasis, arthritis, etc.  Nothing pisses me off more, though when someone tells me "well, it could be worse, you could have X (cancer, usually)".  Please do not diminish the severity of my disease, especially if you haven't lived it yourself.  I am NOT belittling cancer in any way, shape or form; but sometimes, I think it would be easier if I had cancer.  Cancer can be treated and it can go away.  Cancer can be stopped (of course, these are in the ideal situations and if it's caught early on).  Cancer receives a lot of funding and a lot of sympathy.  People don't "get" Crohn's (including many medical professionals).  Many people have never heard of it.  It is hard to look sick when you have Crohn's and therefore, people forget you are and think you are just being lazy.  There isn't as much money for research for it, or press for it even.  The drugs to manage the symptoms and slow down the progress of it are very expensive.  Luckily, several of the BIG drugs have programs to help defray the costs.  If you have Crohn's, most private insurance plans will deny you coverage.  It is a preexisting condition on major medical.  It's hard to live with and I have to live with it for the rest of my life.  My daughter has seen the effects of this disease first hand.  At the age of four, she has convinced herself that she also has Crohn's and will not eat anywhere except at home for fear of getting sick in public.  She complains of frequent heartburn and tummy aches because I do.  She worries about me quite a bit and tells me all the time she misses me (she is afraid I will go to the hospital again).  She is very interested in the field (as well as hematology) and has decided she wants to be a doctor or a nurse to help people.  Still, it's sad to know that my disease has caused her to develop...well...almost an eating disorder.

In case you haven't noticed by now, I hate Crohn's Disease.  I hate what it does to me and so many other people.  I hate that it has become such a big topic on my blog, rather than my life outside of my disease.  I hate that people don't understand it.  I hate that it has affected my family.  I hate that my little sister has a very similar (but different) disease and suffers from that immensely.

If you made it through this post, thank you.  If I disgusted you...well, good.  It is disgusting...and it's a reality for almost a million Americans.

Ugh...I am really hurting today...

The CD arthritis is kicking in and I am so sore.  Plus, I have this really sharp pain in my lower left side...ugh...I HATE CROHN'S!!!!!!!

Yes, another Crohn's post...

So, my GI doctor is putting me on Cimzia.  I have been on Imuran, but it gave me SEVERE headaches.  As in, I would take Tylenol (that's all I can take between the Crohn's and the clotting disorders) and 3 1/2 hours later, I would have another severe headache.  So, shhh...but I stopped taking it.  I couldn't deal with the headaches.  So, I am starting Cimzia injections.  Originally, they were going to have me do that at home, on my own, but now  somehow, it's cheaper if they administer it at their office?  Anyway, that means another doctor's visit added to my schedule.  At least it eventually drops to once a month.  I am a little nervous about this drug, though.  In addition to being more susceptible to diseases/viruses/colds, I am at a much higher cancer risk.  However, as my doctor said...cancer doesn't run in my family, so I have that going for me.  Besides, untreated Crohn's makes me a VERY VERY high colon cancer risk.  So, maybe this drug will not have that effect on me.  I just have to be cautious of sick people (actually avoid them at all costs) and watch myself for fungal infections, as they can be deadly.  Scary stuff!  I am not afraid of having to take frequent shots.  Sadly needles don't even faze me anymore.  I just want to feel better, you know?  Maybe someday I'll go through what Crohn's can actually do to your body and how it has affected me (did you know you can get Crohn's in your EYES?!?!) but I'll save that nastiness for another day.

So I am a craptastic blogger.  It's been, what...a month and a half?

I suppose I have a good excuse, though.  In addition to feeling like crap for MONTHS on end, my Crohn's finally got the best of me.  I went into the hospital on December 15th, with a blood pressure of 69/44 and a heartrate of 144 bpm resting.  I got there and requested that all my specialists see me (my admitting was hematology; I also have a GI dr, and a cardiologist).  Good thing, too...because my body was going haywire.  My INR (how quickly/slowly my blood clots - normal is between 2-3) was nuts.  I was admitted with a low INR (clot risk), and in two days it had jumped to 7.9 (RIDICULOUS bleed out risk).  I had a colonscopy and an endoscopy on Saturday morning, which confirmed my Crohn's has now spread throughout my entire digestive system.  Yes, that's right.  Mouth to anus - all diseased.  Fun, huh?  Apparently, the inflammation in my body was so severe that it was also causing heart issues.  My cardiologist had initially diagnosed me with cardiomyopathy - a weak heart.  He put me on three meds to strengthen it, which subsequently dropped my blood pressure.  Once I started the Crohn's meds, though the inflammation improved, and so did my heart.  So, that's good news, I suppose.

It was very scary and very eye-opening.  I was, more or less, slowly dying over the last few months/weeks and my body was beginning its shut down.  My GI has told me that I was, essentially, an anorexic/bulimic and there is no telling right now what other organs were damaged in my quest to try to buck this disease through naps and heating pads.  (Surprise!  That doesn't work!)

In light of all of this, I have come into a new perspective and new focus.  My health is the one health the Lord has given me.  I have one body and one chance at life.  I, physically, at this point anyway, cannot be a working professional, a mother, a wife, and a homemaker.  My GI doctor said "something in your life has to give".  I have been in the hospital 5 times since July 2009 and each time, I have gone right back to work. I have a tendency to feel better and start blowing off appointments (either not scheduling them or making them too far apart) or being lackadasial about my medicine.  I cannot do this.  One of the medicines I am on (Coumadin) keeps me ALIVE, for crying out loud.  Now, this other medicine (Imuran) will require routine blood tests to ensure my white blood cell count is normal.  (Imuran and Prednisone (another med I take) are both immunosuppressants.)  I have used all my time off from my job that I am allowed and it will not renew until August. I have too many appointments, too many tests, etc...I also have to have time to heal and to be allowed days where I can stay home if I don't feel well.  So...I am dropping my hours at work to part-time.  I will not be allowed to keep my current position, but will be become a data entry person in my department.  It is a HUGE paycut.  HUGE, HUGE, HUGE...therefore, I am only planning on this for a few months.  I really do enjoy working in higher education, so I think when I am ready to go back to full-time, I may pursue a university position in admissions or something.

Money is a huge concern for me right now, but I can't let it be.  My health is the number one priority for me right now.  I am no good to anyone if I am laid up in the hospital or in bed at home or worse, dead.  I haven't been a good mom or wife over the last year and a half due to being so ill, so this is about time.

So...what did YOU do during my blog break?  I hope, had a great Christmas!!!

A change of heart...(kinda long...)

So, if you have read my blog all the way back to the beginning or have followed it from the beginning (or can read my Facebook), you may know that I have been pretty pissed off about my body's rebellion against...well, itself. Yes, I have been sick since pretty much Thanksgiving and it has DEFINITELY interfered with my life. I almost couldn't make it to The Girl's birthday, we missed my niece's birthday this weekend, I have missed A LOT of work (to the extent that I no personal time and no vacation time left until August 18th), not to mention just the many times that DH and The Girl did something without me because I was too sick/in too much pain to join them and had to opt to stay at home in bed. Yes, folks...I have been a miserable person the last few months.

Well, because of this I started to really blame God. I went through a lot of this last summer and lost my job because of it. DH was laid off from his full-time teaching job two years ago and since then has been doing long-term maternity leave positions, sub teaching, etc, but nothing steady and nothing that offers a benefits package to his family. Not his fault - the economy is horrible for teachers and it's not getting any better, sadly. It's extremely competitive - he was at a job fair the other day and their was a teacher there from ARIZONA. It's bad, people. Really bad.

Anyway, the job that I lost last summer didn't offer benefits and due to the fact that we were both unemployed at the time, I had to take whatever job was available. This job doesn't offer benefits, either, sadly. SOOOO...all these hospitalizations/dr visits are private pay. Last summer and this year, so far (including what I've paid off), I owe almost $60,000 out of pocket. That's a lot of money that I don't have.

As I was saying though, I started blaming God. I was raised a Baptist preacher's kid and converted to Catholicism a few years ago (not out of spite, but it was right for me). I still have a lot of respect for the Baptist faith, though and we attend church with my parents when we visit. Anyway, I was finding it hard to believe people when they would tell me when ANOTHER bad thing would happen to me/us "God has a plan" or "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". Really? How much can one person handle?! Am I JOB?!?! (Bible readers will understand that...others, please use Google it.) I just honestly was believing that God had completely turned His back on me, as I couldn't think of any other explanation.

The other day, as DH was driving me home from work in my state of flu-induced delirium, he was listening to "Relevant Radio", a Catholic station. Long story short, they were talking to a listener whose wife had gone through cancer. He was saying how the doctors had just delivered the news and it didn't look good. He was not a believer, but he decided to pray on his wife's behalf. The next test, she had NO cancer at all. No trace of it.

Of course, this is a miracle story and doesn't happen to everyone who prays. As they stated on the show, God does answer prayers, but that doesn't mean He cures every disease or keeps everyone living for as long as we wish. I thought about this story all week. I was SOOO sick with the flu. We were supposed to go to my family's house for my niece's birthday party on Saturday and had to cancel Saturday morning because I still had a fever.

DH and his Dad and The Girl left Saturday evening to go out for dinner and I stayed home, sick, on the couch - the Tylenol not doing it's job and wondering how many hours I had at home before I had to go back to the hospital for dehydration, a need for antibiotics, and what felt like pneumonia. I laid there, crying my eyes out, feeling sorry for myself, wishing my Mommy didn't live 5 hours from me. And, then it hit me. All these months, I BLAMED God instead of asking for His help. Why wasn't I asking? (I was, but not wholeheartedly or in complete faith.) So, I prayed. I kid you not, at the end of each request (I tell stories when I pray as if God doesn't know what is going on and I don't pray the "Catholic" way...I pray very "Protestant), I got chills. Like, my kneecaps had chills. And, not cold chills, but chills that overcame my body in a refreshing way and they lasted a good 10 seconds each episode. The fam got home and I was up with them for about an hour and decided to head to bed. I had a good night's sleep last night (for a change) and when I woke up this morning...


I. FEEL. GOOD. As in, I feel really good. I'm tired (but that's probably from the lack of moving and lack of eating lately) but I feel like there is/was nothing wrong with me. Some naysayers may say it's because the bug had finally run it's course or because of the good night's sleep, but I don't think so. From how I felt last night to how I feel today is a huge change. It almost seems impossible to go from feeling that bad to feeling this good without some sort of miracle.

So, to sum up what I'm trying to say...my faith has been restored. The Lord is good and powerful and it took me, bawling my eyes out, crying out to Him to help me carry that cross that I was struggling to carry. My faith wavering over the months was making everything worse for me - not better. I realize now that I can't do it without Him, no matter what it is.

I hate hospitals...

I am back in the hospital and I hate it. Not only am I away from Joe and The Girl (I don't even get to see The Girl), but my dr is pissing me off. I came in yesterday afternoon and I haven't even seen him yet. He was here tonight, but never came to me. Thanks, buddy! I have a deep vein thrombosis (blood clot) behind my knee. It hurts so bad. I feel like my left calf muscle has the worst Charley horse in the world. I just want to be healthy!!!!!! Damn it...

So sorry!!!!

I have been neglecting you!!!

I was sick for a long time. My Crohn's Disease finally got the best of me and landed me in the hospital for four days. I was dehydrated and malnourished and in lots of pain. I am taking a stronger dose of prednisone (steroid) now and it seems to be working. I just want to eat everything I see!!! Especially chicken. As I had posted, I was/am dealing with a sprained ankle. It's still tender and I really need to do some physical therapy exercises on it to prevent future sprains. It is still badly bruised and a little swollen, though. I, honestly, get nervous everytime I take a step.

On a happier note, The Girl turned three! I can't beleive my BABY is three years old. She is growing up into this wonderfully sweet, compassionate, loving and SMART little girl. When I say smart, I mean she is impressing others with what she knows for her age. She can say her alphabet, recognizes about twenty letters, writes her name, can count to twenty, recognizes 1-9, and speaks like you and I. She naturally wants to learn but as a Mommy, part of me really hopes she is inherently a smart child. That aside, she really is a blast and a joy to be around. She makes me laugh constantly and loves giving out hugs and kisses. :)

Joe also had a birthday. He is 33! His was two days after The Girls-so, yes she was his present three years ago. They have the best relationship-very close. I hope that will carry through the years! Anyway, we didn't celebrate his birthday yet on account of me being sick, so we are doing dinner out Thursday night. Joe has been amazing through this flare/sprain. I have a newfound love and respect for him.

I interviewed for and accepted a new position in my company. I am now an enrollment data manager. This means, I control all the data between our company and a few of our partner schools. The teams contact me for questions about student files, I find out the answers and produce reports for my bosses and the schools. So far, I am loving the switch! No more travel, set hours, much more independent work, and no ridiculous amount of phone time!!!!!

I have a ton of pictures that I need to post. I will work on that this week.

I'll try not to stay away so long next time!!!

I'm Sick...

...I really am. Not in creepy sick - but, as in, physically ill. I really need to see my drs. Only a week for my hematologist and a week and a half for my GI. MUST. HOLD. OUT.

Anyone?

As some of you may know, I suffer from Crohn's Disease. My younger sister, Andrea suffers (and boy, does she SUFFER) from ulcerative colitis. Currently, there is no cure for either of these chronic diseases and no definitive cause, either. I am considering joining this walk in honor of Andrea and myself; to help raise money to find a cure. Would anyone be interested in donating?

Pain

Oh my tummy. As I had mentioned previously, I was hospitalized last summer for "Crohn's disease related issues". One doctor told me the Crohn's had spread to my stomach - the other doctor told me it hadn't and he thinks I had a bad case of gastritis. Whatev. At the time, I hadn't eaten in about 2 weeks, I had lost about 14 pounds, and was severely dehydrated. I was sick, sick, sick. Long story short, they put me on steroids (prednisone) for short term and Prilosec for long term.

Fast forward to now. I still have severe stomach pain. I go to bed every night with a heating pad on my tummy to help relax the muscles because it hurts so bad. I am hoping it was the diet I was using. Meaning - there wasn't any and I ate whatever I wanted, when I wanted. (Which has also made me fat.) So...I am trying to eat cleaner now. My lunch today is albacore tuna packed in water, a leaf lettuce salad with cucumbers, avacados, almonds, broccili and light Italian dressing. I also have an orange and a yogurt. For breakfast I ate oatmeal and I have grapes and strawberries. I haven't had pop (soda) in about 36 hours and the headached is starting to set in. I have worked out the last two days, though.

At this point, if I lose weight in the process, that's an added bonus. I just want to not hurt. Yesterday it was awful. We had pizza for the Bears game and it didn't bother me until about eight pm. All of a sudden, I couldn't even see straight it hurt so badly. Seriously, I was seeing spots I was in so much pain. I have Vicoden they had given me for the pain, but I can't very well work and be on that - so that's out of the picture.

I just want to feel better...

2009

I am glad to see her go. This has been a rough year for me.

It started with some pretty serious marriage problems. Believe me, nothing hurts (that I have experienced) worse than marital problems. We worked through it, for the most part, but still deal with it pretty regularly. Who knows where we will be in 5 years?

Obviously, I had a lot of health problems this year. So much so that I lost my job due to it. I had/have a really hard time dealing with this. I had planned to retire with this company and then I was cut loose while I was laying in the hospital. I learned all the people I worked with, the friends I thought I had made, the people I fought for and helped out on a daily basis - didn't give a shit about me. That hurts worse than losing a job. I wish I could find a mature way to express my anger and hurt to them, but there isn't one. Instead, I deal with the pain of all of this silently and, occasionally still, crying about it.

Financial. Oh boy, let's not go there. Let's just say, I am paying $43,000 out of pocket due to aforementioned issue.

Friendships: wow, have my friendships changed. I have realized I have no one that I am really close to. I can't tell my husband everything because some of the stuff that I am hurting about involves him. My best friend and I are nowhere near as close as we used to be. This makes me so sad - I love her and I miss her; not to mention, that I need her in my life. People that I worked with that I thought were my friends turned their backs on me in some of my roughest times. I don't trust people too much anymore. At least once a month, I go through my Facebook and delete people who only have me as their friend because I up their numbers.

I know I said I wasn't going to post anything depressing - but I needed to get this off my chest. I hope 2010 is better for me; I don't know how much else I can take...